I don't know what's up right now. I don't like it, but it's there, so might as well blather about it because that's what I do best.
These days, I don't even want to go to the barn. I'm always exhausted mentally and physically, have no energy, and just don't want to go. If there's a reason why I shouldn't, I'm quietly pleased. I go because I have to, because I feel obligated to.
Hopefully, this is due to the weather. This damn, endless heat where if you walk outside and it's in the low 90s you think "wow, it's so nice today!". No, the 90s are NOT nice. I don't even like the 80s, and right now that would seem deliciously cool. I sweat more than anyone should, and it really gets old to walk around drenched. No, I don't want to go out there. I don't want to go out in the sun. I don't want to keep trying to find a dry place on my shirt to wipe my face. I don't want to rush home from work, rush to find something to eat, rush to the barn, and rush to do something meaningful before it gets dark, rush home, rush to get ready for bed, and remember a bill I forgot to pay or an email I forgot to write.
I start thinking of everything I could do if I didn't have horses and yes, I start to feel resentment. And then I feel guilty. And obligated. And guilty.
Do I even want a horse right now? I don't know. I really don't have a desire to ride. It's more like I feel that I should do it, not that I want to do it. Riding gives me guilt. I feel guilty if I ride (he deserves a better, lighter rider), and I feel guilty if I don't ride.
Maybe it's just my utter unhappiness with work that's poisoning me, don't know.
Here's hoping that it's just a phase.
2 comments:
Everybody feels like that periodically. Don't force yourself to ride if it isn't fun. Don't even force yourself to go to the barn - he'll be perfectly content to eat grass and he'll be happy when you show up again.
I get all burned out and quit riding for a while, then my burnout shifts slightly and I realize I'm stressed because I'm not riding, and when I go ride it's fun again. Hopefully that'll happen to you, but if not, no one will think less of you. It's a hobby, not an obligation.
Long-distance hugs. Hang in there!
Don't beat yourself up! It's been so hot out that no one wants to ride!! I am not allowed to get on Daniel until late August (12 weeks post-op)... and to be honest, it's so hot I don't want to ride either!
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